What If?

“I will sing of God’s mercy.  Every day, every hour, He gives me power.” As we were singing tonight in choir, these specific words from Robert Rays, He Never Failed Me Yet, spoke directly to my heart.  Except, I sang them as, “I will sing of God’s mercy, every day, every hour.”

You see, I realized tonight that we need to continually remind ourselves of God’s mercy.  Lately, I have been struggling with the “what if” question.  What if the biggest mistake of my life never happened?  What if Thanksgiving of 2016 never happened?  What if I had chosen a different MOS (for those of you who don’t know that would be Military Occupational Specialty)?  What if I had just stayed with my battle, instead of wandering off?  What if I had realized how blessed I was?  What if I had known and cherished what I had back then?  What if I had known that the things I want now, would conflict with what I desired then?  What if…what if…what if?

If I could, though, I don’t know if I would change what happened.  I would surely tell that child to open up her eyes and run in the opposite direction.  But I can’t do that, now can I?  And if I found a way to do that, would I?  If I chose yes to that question, would I still be the person that I am today?  Probably not.  You see, that situation grew me.  I matured.  I realized the depth of my sin.  And I learned where my heart leans toward.  Going back and changing the situation would change me.  It would change who I am.

That does not mean that I am happy about the things that had happened.  Far from it!  I am ashamed of what I did.  This is why I must remember God’s mercy.  He forgave me, when I could not forgive myself.  He loved me, when I could not love myself.  And I tend to forget this.  I tend to lean towards the “what ifs” instead of how God has worked in my life these past few months.  I mean, thinking on a small term, because of that situation, I have this blog, a place where I can share my story with others.  I have a story of a filthy sinner, who found hope, who was and is loved by God Almighty, and who feels that love every day, weather she realizes it or not.  I have a story of sin and forgiveness, that I can share with others who are hurting.  I am not a perfect person, and I don’t pretend to be.  That would be a lie.  But I am a Christian, who has found hope in the pain that Jesus Christ suffered on the cross for me, and I have found redemption in the fact that He rose again.  I have hope and life everlasting, because of his perfection.  So may I say, right here, right now, “Thank You, God, for the events in my life that humble me, and remind me of who I am and who You are.”


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